Where are you Christmas?

My pet, my love, my life....it's been a while since we talked and I'm sorry. Things have been happening and I'm struggling a bit tonight on this Christmas eve 2022. I feel like I need to have a good hard cry but I just can't seem to allow it. I lost my sweet Indigo as you seen by the last post. It shattered me so much because he deserved better so much more love, but God had other plans and I know he's with you safe and whole until I come home to you. Then mom had a stroke......December 11, 2022. It shook us all and yet I dealt alone as always. It could've been so much worse than it was and I'm grateful she is still her being her typical obnoxious self. She lost some mobility on her right side but in time she'll get it back. So I guess with back to back heartbreak is why I'm struggling. I can't feel the magic.......have I lost it? Where are you Christmas why can't I feel you? My pet I just have no joy in this winter and I need it oh do I need to feel it to just feel......alive. It's just hard to feel anything right now but I wish I could. I miss him, I miss them all, but oh I miss you so. Skylar is still here and I'm grateful for that. In all this insanity she keeps me going until I can feel again. Now though I'm rambling incoherently so I guess I'll say goodnight my darling. Merry Christmas to all of you and know my heart longs for you for all of you........my heart my love my thoughts forever yours

My Indigo Grey

Dear Indigo,

My sweet sweet boy. For the last 2 years you were mine. No words can fully describe the love I had for you and how much joy you brought to my life. I am so sorry that you were dealt such harsh blows before you found me and I'm so very sorrry I couldn't save you and give you more time to know love and safety. My heart is shattered to pieces but deep down keeping you would've been selfish of me and not what was best for you. I hope you forgive me for letting go and that you shall remember how much I love you and how much I always will. I miss you so much and always will. Knowing you're not in pain will hopefully bring me comfort some day but for now I grieve and wait for the tears to stop. Rest peacefully and fly high my sweet angel........

All my love forever and always.........

Please respect my privacy and let me be alone to grieve this loss because I'm shattered beyond words

Indigo Grey 11/26/22

My Charlie 💚

Hello my pet, it's been quite awhile I know and I wish this post was a happier one. I unfortunately come with heartbreaking news but by now you know. My sweet sweet Charlie bird has joined you hasn't he. For 11 years and 3 days though he was mine, and how can I possibly sum up 11 years into one post.....I can't. He was the unexpected part of my heart that I never planned on having. He mixed up my world in so many wonderful ways but oh my it was worth every moment, every thing I gave up for him, every tear, every single solid moment was worth it. I miss him so much. 

That face though how can one not fall in love with that mischievous face. He had personality and then some and for someone so small he controlled everyone who saw him. He loved his bells and knew how to ring them for attention. He loved to eat everything he shouldn't but I couldn't help but to give him tiny bits of pizza and ice cream once in awhile. It made him happy. He made me happy.

My dear Charlie this part is for you. I'm so sorry. I have been dealing with such guilt over your loss. I didn't know that was my last night with you. If I did I wouldn't have left you, but I thought you were just cold. I'm sorry my love. Please forgive me. I didn't want you to die alone and you did. It's something I didn't want and the guilt of that has been massive for me. I know I'm not to blame for I didn't know but it still hurt me. Losing you so unexpectedly left me in tears for days. Charlie I'll always love you and will forever miss you my sweet crazy little demon bird. 

My pet please watch over him until we're all together again and until then know that I love you all so very much and miss each of you dearly. Till next time.......

Charlie bird adopted January 15, 2010 passed away January 18, 2021

Happy Hysto-versary to me!!!

My dearest pet, guess what today is? Happy Hysto-versary to me!!!!!!! Confused? Good, hahaha........Today as I write this it is August 28, 2019 which marks exactly 1 year since I had my hysterectomy surgery hence it's my anniversary aka a hysto-versary. A year, it's really been a year and oh the changes I've seen in myself have been remarkable. The biggest change is definitely the fact that I have no more pain, well at least in that area and the migraines are pretty much gone. I'll always have pain because of my myalgic encephalomyelitis disease but that pain I can deal with and adapt. It took some time, healing, and processing for me to get to the point I'm at today. I really and truly feel like a different person a year later, and it makes me stop and realize that I was in more pain and more sick than I realized over the last 21 years of my life (prior to surgery) due to my female problems. I do admit I still have some anger and resentment towards the medical field for letting me go 21 years misdiagnosed. Turns out I have endometriosis (endo) on top of the polycystic ovarian syndrome (pcos) and the myalgic encephalomyelitis (me). Yet it is what it is, at least now I know and a good chunk of my pain is gone. So I healed. I moved on. I changed. Oh how I have changed my pet, you'd be surprised how different I am now. Yes there are some who refuse to see it and accept it but frankly I don't care. I no longer care!!!! Yep you read that one right, I truly honestly do not care about so much and so many people. I have basically become very hard hearted and I love it. Things no longer get to me or bug me. I truly feel free and it's a beautiful feeling. I have found myself more and more over this past year and I'm content with how my life is. I may be alone (minus my lady friends) but I am probably about the only one I know who really loves being alone, can handle it, and prefers it (sorry to offend folks but I'm not normal these are my choices for my life). I've mastered walking away from people who no longer benefit my life, people who were playing and using me, and people who showed with their actions that they truly do not care about me despite the pretty words they speak. I've set myself free. My life is by no means perfect but it's mine and it's wonderful for me. I've developed a no care attitude and I literally let things just roll right off my back because I'm no longer stressed or worried about things that are beyond my control. I can breath. I can stand with my head held high and be proud. I do still keep my mouth shut when my head would love to scream at people but I know the best reaction is no reaction because most often that's exactly what people want is a reaction and I refuse to give that to them. My energy levels are more depleted since surgery, the dreaded hot flashes of menopause have finally showed, and I've gained weight but hey if three negatives is all I ended up with then I'll take it. I feel more confident, more assured of myself. I please only me and not the world and before these changes I was the opposite. Before I was meek, timid, thought I had to be what everyone wanted, I hurt, I was sick so very sick, and I was a complete and utter mess. Not now, because now I am me. I can do anything and be anything. I can live freely and not be stuck in a bed praying to die. As long as my ME illness stays in check I can avoid the bed ridden life, the worst case for that illness is exactly that a bed ridden life and I refuse it. I fight. I live. I still have a long ways to go on this path of self discovery but for now I'm happy with the great strides I've made over this last year. My only regret is not pushing doctors harder to have gotten this life changing surgery sooner, but again it is what it is and at least it's done. I'm 36 years old now and I'm finally living a life that I can be happy with the day I take my last breath on this earthly world. I may still do more, become more, who knows because the possibilities are endless. I can keep rattling on and on about how different I feel and how happy I am my pet but I think this post is getting too lengthy so I'm going to end it here. Happy, free, and just me. The attached photos are of the day of my surgery to one year later. Can you see the change in my eyes? I know you can my pet and that's why I love you so........we shall speak again another day another time.

Here's the facts.......

My pet I think you're the one who will appreciate this post the most because I'm sticking up for myself.......so here's the facts.........My name is Amy. I am a 35 year old woman, I am not a child nor am I a young adult therefore I wish not to pretend to be or to act as something I'm not. I choose me and will respect myself at all costs even if it means losing people from my life. I am a changed person and the things I used to do to please people I no longer desire those behaviors. You need examples.....fine......here they are....I won't pretend to be young because I'm not, I will not go outta my way to make someone happy only to be miserable myself I had two unhappy marriages by doing that. I will not be the girl who is only valued for sex and her body, I will only be valued for my mind and personality cause I've done played that part and I felt cheap. So yes I will constantly try to stop anyone from making me feel that way again. Yes I tend to fall into old habits and start acting and behaving with people how I think they want me to so they'll like me and that's something I'm desperately trying to stop. Those are enough examples for now. I will also be determined to stop people from leading me on and playing with my heart it's still fragile as I am still learning who this new me is. I need respect and understanding. I need support and to be accepted as I am. I don't want to be falsely thought of or treated as something I'm not. I need people to willingly let me voice myself without getting angry, upset, or hurt by it cause if you do then let me go because I'm not changing myself for anyone ever again. This is me, my life, my time to finally live and be happy with who I am and to speak up for myself without always getting negative attitudes. I want true adult relationships, I really think I need that. There's too much youngsters in my life that I need adult connections and yes I'm looking at my options and getting a plan in place that will be best for me. This is all for me and what's best for me. If some day I find myself open and willing to be involved with someone then I want true commitment not just be one of many who get flirted with. I will want total honesty and support. I would expect to be wanted for me and not what's on my body. I would hope they will understand and accept my limitations to what I'm comfortable with and what makes me uncomfortable, that being said is why ultimately I think for me a single solitary life is the only life for me. It's just getting people to see that I'm quite happy with that because by judging this post, it's obvious people expect outta me things I can not give. It is what it is, life has changed me drastically and that is the biggest fact of all. Those who once knew me really don't know me at all now. It's just frustrating right now but it will pass. Ok I think I've vented enough to calm down. Thank you my pet for listening to me, I really don't know what I'd do without you my greatest treasure. Till next time.......

I Choose ME.......

Hello my pet, my devoted friend, my greatest secret......I have much to tell you in this post and this post well it may be confusing to most,  anger others, but it's long over due. My thoughts may be all over the place and it may end up long or not I cannot say.....so here it goes.......I choose ME........I choose ME when all else fails. I choose ME when all goes right. I choose ME when healthy and when ill. I choose ME when the sun shines brightly or when the gray clouds of rain and doom appear. I choose ME whether I'm alone or completely surrounded by people. I choose ME over any relationship that may or may not present itself to me. My pet it's highly time that I start choosing ME, my life, my failures, my joy, my sadness, MY LIFE before choosing anyone or anything else (with exception to my pets of course). I shall not put myself into situations any more that will destroy what I am trying to accomplish. This shall be my goal for the rest of my days. I will NOT be someone's second choice. I will NOT be who people flirt with because they are bored or unhappy with whom they belong to. I will NOT listen nor believe people any more when they say the want me or love me but then proceed to ignore me for hours, days, or tell someone else the exact same lies they feed to me. I will NOT go out of my way to please anyone or try to maintain any form of relationship with them if they cannot respect me as a person, my needs, and my wants. I will NOT let anyone break ME again for I choose ME. I cannot stress enough how angry I've been lately, how sick and tired I am of people telling me they choose me when in fact it's just a game and a pack of lies. I've been hurt too much and broken so badly that it's time to stop it. So I choose ME. My life has changed dramatically in the last few months. Perhaps the surgery I had is the cause behind this ever growing transformation, maybe I just finally woke up. I know this is going to be baby steps and a work in progress. I know this may be something that even upon my death I'm still working on, but my pet I'm determined to succeed to do this to see it through. I know it's going to be hard, I know I'll lose and gain people along the way but as I said it's time. Time for changes to make the rest of my life better for me. I only have this one life and frankly the last 35 years have been more hell than joy and I don't like that. So now is my TIME TO LIVE. Now is my time to learn, grow, and be who I need to be. My true supporters will back me on this no matter how precious few they may be. I choose ME. I will not pursue love or romantic relationships due to the betrayal, hurt, anger, and loneliness those things have caused me. If someone wishes to attempt to change my mind on that I can only wish them good luck for they will have a lot of proving to do before I will be convinced. So to avoid any possible attempts I am forever wearing a ring on my left hand to appear "engaged or taken". In all reality I am taken, by ME. I chose ME after all. It sounds mad and crazy but know me, hear my story in depth and perhaps you will see why I've been driven to this point. Perhaps then you'll know why I choose ME. I am the controller of MY fate and life so I must choose ME to make it a good one. So for now I continue to let my body, mind, and spirit heal from my surgery. In time perhaps I'll finally look into that writing course and pursue my life long dream of writing that children's book. Perhaps one day I'll find a way to travel again and see the things I long to see, who knows the adventures I could find. So I guess I'll end this post now my pet, I think I've covered the basics. Yes I'm adding a photo of one of the rings I'll be wearing just for fun. Thank you for listening to me, for letting me get this out because it helps. So until next my greatest secret my treasured pet.....and don't worry I'll never stop choosing ME I owe it to you and myself :)

What now?

My pet I miss you....looking at my posts it appears it's been a long time since we've talked but it's not true. We both know of my meltdown and the couple posts I made that I deleted. Life's been rough, it really has. As you know I'm a twice divorcee now and I'm dealing with the fact that I'm completely unlovable and forever alone in this thing called life. I finally had that surgery I wanted, my hysterectomy, so my misery has improved. Yet now what? It's like I really don't know what to do. I'm 35 and more lost than I have ever been. I find myself with thoughts like once my parents are gone where does that leave me.....alone completely alone. My darkest thought leads to my death, that I'll be that old lady who dies alone, whose body is left for weeks months even before neighbors notice something weird, I'll be that funeral no one comes to. It hurts my pet and leads to tears but it seems completely unchangeable so I've learned to accept my fate. I'm tired of crying over things I cannot change. So what do I do? What am I honestly supposed to do until that day? My pet how I wish I knew. How do I wish I had a clue or a spark or one of those aha moments where I can say yes that's exactly what I can do. Yet there's nothing. It's frustrating and just leaves me feeling more and more lost. What if this is it? What if this same ol cycle I'm in is all I have? Can this be it? Oh how I wish I knew. How I wish I could just hold you once again.....I really do miss you. Ok I think I'm gonna end this post here before the tears start falling. Till next time my precious pet, till next time.......