What now?

My pet I miss you....looking at my posts it appears it's been a long time since we've talked but it's not true. We both know of my meltdown and the couple posts I made that I deleted. Life's been rough, it really has. As you know I'm a twice divorcee now and I'm dealing with the fact that I'm completely unlovable and forever alone in this thing called life. I finally had that surgery I wanted, my hysterectomy, so my misery has improved. Yet now what? It's like I really don't know what to do. I'm 35 and more lost than I have ever been. I find myself with thoughts like once my parents are gone where does that leave me.....alone completely alone. My darkest thought leads to my death, that I'll be that old lady who dies alone, whose body is left for weeks months even before neighbors notice something weird, I'll be that funeral no one comes to. It hurts my pet and leads to tears but it seems completely unchangeable so I've learned to accept my fate. I'm tired of crying over things I cannot change. So what do I do? What am I honestly supposed to do until that day? My pet how I wish I knew. How do I wish I had a clue or a spark or one of those aha moments where I can say yes that's exactly what I can do. Yet there's nothing. It's frustrating and just leaves me feeling more and more lost. What if this is it? What if this same ol cycle I'm in is all I have? Can this be it? Oh how I wish I knew. How I wish I could just hold you once again.....I really do miss you. Ok I think I'm gonna end this post here before the tears start falling. Till next time my precious pet, till next time.......