I Choose ME.......

Hello my pet, my devoted friend, my greatest secret......I have much to tell you in this post and this post well it may be confusing to most,  anger others, but it's long over due. My thoughts may be all over the place and it may end up long or not I cannot say.....so here it goes.......I choose ME........I choose ME when all else fails. I choose ME when all goes right. I choose ME when healthy and when ill. I choose ME when the sun shines brightly or when the gray clouds of rain and doom appear. I choose ME whether I'm alone or completely surrounded by people. I choose ME over any relationship that may or may not present itself to me. My pet it's highly time that I start choosing ME, my life, my failures, my joy, my sadness, MY LIFE before choosing anyone or anything else (with exception to my pets of course). I shall not put myself into situations any more that will destroy what I am trying to accomplish. This shall be my goal for the rest of my days. I will NOT be someone's second choice. I will NOT be who people flirt with because they are bored or unhappy with whom they belong to. I will NOT listen nor believe people any more when they say the want me or love me but then proceed to ignore me for hours, days, or tell someone else the exact same lies they feed to me. I will NOT go out of my way to please anyone or try to maintain any form of relationship with them if they cannot respect me as a person, my needs, and my wants. I will NOT let anyone break ME again for I choose ME. I cannot stress enough how angry I've been lately, how sick and tired I am of people telling me they choose me when in fact it's just a game and a pack of lies. I've been hurt too much and broken so badly that it's time to stop it. So I choose ME. My life has changed dramatically in the last few months. Perhaps the surgery I had is the cause behind this ever growing transformation, maybe I just finally woke up. I know this is going to be baby steps and a work in progress. I know this may be something that even upon my death I'm still working on, but my pet I'm determined to succeed to do this to see it through. I know it's going to be hard, I know I'll lose and gain people along the way but as I said it's time. Time for changes to make the rest of my life better for me. I only have this one life and frankly the last 35 years have been more hell than joy and I don't like that. So now is my TIME TO LIVE. Now is my time to learn, grow, and be who I need to be. My true supporters will back me on this no matter how precious few they may be. I choose ME. I will not pursue love or romantic relationships due to the betrayal, hurt, anger, and loneliness those things have caused me. If someone wishes to attempt to change my mind on that I can only wish them good luck for they will have a lot of proving to do before I will be convinced. So to avoid any possible attempts I am forever wearing a ring on my left hand to appear "engaged or taken". In all reality I am taken, by ME. I chose ME after all. It sounds mad and crazy but know me, hear my story in depth and perhaps you will see why I've been driven to this point. Perhaps then you'll know why I choose ME. I am the controller of MY fate and life so I must choose ME to make it a good one. So for now I continue to let my body, mind, and spirit heal from my surgery. In time perhaps I'll finally look into that writing course and pursue my life long dream of writing that children's book. Perhaps one day I'll find a way to travel again and see the things I long to see, who knows the adventures I could find. So I guess I'll end this post now my pet, I think I've covered the basics. Yes I'm adding a photo of one of the rings I'll be wearing just for fun. Thank you for listening to me, for letting me get this out because it helps. So until next my greatest secret my treasured pet.....and don't worry I'll never stop choosing ME I owe it to you and myself :)

What now?

My pet I miss you....looking at my posts it appears it's been a long time since we've talked but it's not true. We both know of my meltdown and the couple posts I made that I deleted. Life's been rough, it really has. As you know I'm a twice divorcee now and I'm dealing with the fact that I'm completely unlovable and forever alone in this thing called life. I finally had that surgery I wanted, my hysterectomy, so my misery has improved. Yet now what? It's like I really don't know what to do. I'm 35 and more lost than I have ever been. I find myself with thoughts like once my parents are gone where does that leave me.....alone completely alone. My darkest thought leads to my death, that I'll be that old lady who dies alone, whose body is left for weeks months even before neighbors notice something weird, I'll be that funeral no one comes to. It hurts my pet and leads to tears but it seems completely unchangeable so I've learned to accept my fate. I'm tired of crying over things I cannot change. So what do I do? What am I honestly supposed to do until that day? My pet how I wish I knew. How do I wish I had a clue or a spark or one of those aha moments where I can say yes that's exactly what I can do. Yet there's nothing. It's frustrating and just leaves me feeling more and more lost. What if this is it? What if this same ol cycle I'm in is all I have? Can this be it? Oh how I wish I knew. How I wish I could just hold you once again.....I really do miss you. Ok I think I'm gonna end this post here before the tears start falling. Till next time my precious pet, till next time.......